quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
