Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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