Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
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