She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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