god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
