the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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