My sheets look like a crime scene.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
