I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
