Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Randomize
