Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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