I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
