Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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