Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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