You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
