So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
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Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
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The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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