I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
