Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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