Tell her she can't have a vagina
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
birth control should be required to get into college
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
