At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
