I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
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i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
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I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize