Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
we made out on top of his cat.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
