I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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