You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
