Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
