Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
