12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
