Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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