Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
