she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
