worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We had sex on a dog bed..
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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