May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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