Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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