Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
