the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
