batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
