Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
