I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
