I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
