Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
