I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
