What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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