he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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