glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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