Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
