so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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