We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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