Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
