Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
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Actions speak louder than pants.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
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So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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