OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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