You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
