Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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