if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
