By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
