theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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