i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
