I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
