4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You may now shotgun with the bride
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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